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EverBroken

Nikki Burch
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But it's starting to feel like it.  

So many things in my life are coming.  Someday.  So many ideas will be manifested.  Someday.  So many dreams will be achieved.  Someday.  I understand the art of procrastination, especially when it is related to things we don't want to do.  But I seem to be a part of quite a bit of unwilling procrastination these days.  It's not that I don't want to do these things, it's that I simply can't find the time.  I can't even make the time.  There is no extra time to be had, or to be created.  I suppose I've been through this before.  It's like the filling of a bucket.  I will get so full of ideas, of creativity and things that I would like to do and achieve.  Once it is nearly brimming, I simply MUST empty at least a portion of it.  It always works out.  I believe it to be divine intervention.  Just when I'm at my highest level of frustration and my creative ideas are near to spilling over... time opens up itself.  Worries seem to melt away, work seems to flow smoothly, and all the pieces seem to fall into place.  I find no other explanation than that God senses my absolute need to follow in His footsteps and create.  :heart:  He sees the novels written on my heart, the songs entwined within my soul, and the photos and drawings that dance at my fingertips.  And He recognizes the imparted desire to create... things of beauty, things of mystery.  

So perhaps what I am experiencing right now is not involuntary procrastination, but rather... the learning of patience.  The lesson that often those things we must wait for are the most pleasant, the most satisfying, and the most enjoyable once we finally attain them.  

When I finally do write that novel that has been forming in my head (one of many) for years, it will be the right time.  It will be the right moment, and it will come to fruition when it is meant to.  When I finally take those photos that have been dancing around behind my eyelids at night, they will be even more than I had imagined them to be.  When the melody flows from me for the songs that I ceaselessly write, it will be the melody of the soul, and I will know that is what it was always meant to be.  :)  These thoughts are much more disjointed than I had intended them to be.  Stealing a moment at work to try to convey my deepest frustrations and thoughts, especially regarding creativity (which is something so dear to me) is difficult.  But, I am tired of being repressed by the timely constraints of everyday life.  I am a rebel to conformity and I refuse to lose who I am in the hustle and bustle of reality.  

In a sense, I am merely writing this to remind myself of the times I've felt this way before and how I've always clawed my way out of them and created art that I am quite proud of.  This is only refining all my ideas, and will make it better when they do come to pass.  Now, if only I had pom-poms I'd be like my own little cheerleader.  :D  

The thing I am most impatient for, and yet feel is most worth the wait, is to become Mrs. Jason Burch.  :love:  Even typing it gives me shivers of pleasure!  What feels like my entire life, I've been waiting for love to come along.  (And I say "what feels like my entire life" because, let's face it... I'm pretty sure I wasn't 2 months old and wondering where Mister Right was.... lol) Waiting for the day when I could trade in my last name for the last name of the man who is all my hopes, dreams, and desires wrapped in one.  Soon.  :)  Soon, that day will be a reality and after so many years of praying, I now understand why it took God so long to bring me my True.  Perfection takes a long time to find.  :heart:  

So many new adventures await me.  Await us.  So many days of creating, loving, and enjoying.  I feel it underneath the surface.  I feel the greatness and the wonder bubbling in my soul, and it will manifest itself in great ways.  I have to believe this.  I do believe this.  Everything I am, everything I have is grounded in faith - and I have faith that someday... (there's that word again) I will create things that will darkle in the eyes of those who see it, branding a vision into their minds.  And I hope that from that will stem their own vision, their own creativity.  Because as the wonderful Maya Angelou says, "You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have."  

This is why I still come to DeviantArt.  This is why I admire and challenge myself by viewing the art of others.  You ALL inspire me and motivate me to do more, and be better.  Some of you make me jealous, but it's all good.  ;)  So until someday.... keep creating!  




-N  



P.S.  I'm also quite excited about changing my eating habits and having lost 10 1/2lbs!  :excited:  Being healthy is much more important to me than it once was.  And for that I'm thankful.

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I can't believe 2011 is upon us.  So amazing to think how quickly this past year has gone.  How much I have changed, not just in this past year, but from years ago.  My style of writing, my style of photography, the things I wrote about in journal entries.  Some of it is embarrassing, some of it makes me proud, and yet other things (and people) I'd much rather forget.  What a journey my life has been so far.  It excites me to feel that the person I am now, this is who I'm supposed to be.  I'm where I'm meant to be, I'm with who I'm meant to be, and everything up until this point has just been learning experiences for me.  Molding me into the woman that I am now, to be with the man I am with.  I will never stop seeking to improve myself, however.  Improvements in my character, my habits, my creativity, and my physical appearance will always drive me to strive for something more.  

I'm not sure what sent me on this little (somewhat melancholy) trip down memory lane.  Maybe it was looking through my gallery and favorites on DA, looking through the galleries of some of my friends and their interests and favorites.  Seeing how different things are now from how they were all those years ago, but how a lot of my interests remain the same. I'm almost scared to look through some of my previous journal entries.  O_o  But I guess my past has a lot to do with who I am today, so I shouldn't be too embarrassed by it.  

For many of the years I've been alive I've had this weight, this sadness.  Never prevalent in my life, never something anyone would ever classify as being a quality of mine.  It doesn't permeate the fabric of who I am, at least not to an extent that I was ever classified as a "sad child" or an "unhappy" person.  At most, it's caused people to call me, upon occasion, "an old soul."  I'm not even sure that "sadness" is the right word.  I had a mostly happy childhood.  I vaguely remember the years that my dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict.  I never look back in those childhood memories and recall him being a bad father, however.  I just remember seeing some of the things he did, or the affect these substances had on him.  I also, most clearly, remember the change in him when he came to church with my mom and I, and accepted Christ as his Savior.  When I was 4 years old, I had something happen in my life, that no child should ever have to suffer, and I know it will cause me to be protective of my own children someday.  I will be extremely careful about who they are left with, even family members, because I don't ever want a child of mine to deal with what I dealt with at that age. But, in the grand scheme of things, I've had a VERY good, VERY blessed life.  So what is this weight I've had for years?  Is it the weight of knowledge?  The weight of understanding?  Even at a young age, even in all my innocence, there was a part of me that saw through everything and knew the world wasn't the place that so many portrayed it to be.  As I grew older, that weight was one of loneliness.  Reading my writings, listening to my songs I've written, reading journal entries... it makes me realize how much of my life has been spent yearning for someone to love.  

I can now say, with the utmost joy, that so much of the weight I've carried throughout my life has been lifted.  I have now found someone to love.  I've found my True.  My Eternal.  Now the only weight I bear are those of the societal norm.  The burden of a job less-than-perfect, the burdens of daily trials and car troubles, the occasional disagreement with a parent or friend, the scourge of the weather, the irritation of sickness, and all the other things that we all deal with in life, on an almost daily basis.  I embrace these now.  I accept these as small payment for a much larger joy.  And they make the many great blessings in my life so much sweeter.  :)  

I say it every day, if not verbally, in my heart of hearts.... I am a very blessed woman.  :heart:

I have found myself, especially recently, aching for the creativity that I have often placed on hold.  The ideas that burn behind my eyes and that manifest themselves in my dreams at night.  I often struggle with self-loathing, even still.  This feeling that I will never be perfect, and if I cannot be perfect, why even be?  It's a feeling that doesn't surface often, but when it does, it rears its ugly head with a vengeance.  I fear being found to be mediocre.  Not just by my friends and family, but by my love.  I fear not being beautiful enough, creative enough, interesting enough... and yet I am completely fearless in his arms.  A paradox?  Perhaps.  I understand it no more than you, I merely express it.  I see all the beautiful people (*hears Marilyn Manson in her head*), all the beautiful photography, and the beautiful photography of the beautiful people and it overwhelms this perfectionist with an imperfect view of my own self.  I've often discovered that the best way for me to fight these things is to immerse myself in creativity.  Write.  Take pictures.  Draw or paint.  Build something.  So perhaps that's what I need to do.  That, in itself, can be frustrating as well.  So often I see photo shoots in my mind's eye that are amazing.  Self-portraits that would be stunning.  Conceptual shots that would mystify.  But often it is pulling off these ideas that I seem to have issue with.  Nothing ever turns out like I see it.  I either don't possess the means, the locations, the editing software or (as my insecurities like to scream at me) the looks to pull these off.  I have a book idea that has been festering in my mind for years, but I'm almost intimidated by the concept.  Not sure where my soul intends to go with it or how it will all come together.  I read books so often, by so many great novelists and it seems a daunting task to me, one I'm not qualified or worthy to undertake.  But I haven't completely trashed the idea yet.  ;)  I always seem to dig deep and find a bit of redheaded spunk and determination to pull me through, eventually.  

I almost feel as though I shouldn't be called "EverBroken" anymore.  I used to think that was my destiny.  To remain ever and always broken.  A wounded soul.  But I am no longer broken.  Not in the least. I am healed, gloriously, and wondrously healed.  My heart is more full of love than it's ever been, more vibrant and alive than it was the day I entered this world.   :love:  

So be happy for me (and I know all of my lovely DA friends will be), and wish me luck in my future creative endeavors which I hope to be able to share with you all.

I will never bare my body to the eye of a camera, never share such intimacy with the world, but I will (and do) bare my soul through photographs, writing, and my art.  In that lies my imperfections, perfectly.  :aww:

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I know, it's actually only Christmas Eve, Eve... but still.  I won't be online during Christmas so I thought it best to wish everyone a Merry Christmas now while I can!  :)  

I still don't get on Deviantart as often as I'd like to.  It's honestly one thing I miss the most about being unemployed.  All the time to create and work on things that I enjoy. But, such is the life of a grown-up, and so we must make do as best we can.  I've been working at my current job for 9 months now, which blows my mind a little bit.  Time goes by so swiftly and sometimes that scares me.  

But, at least I've been happier than I've ever been for six of those nine months.  :)  June 22, 2010 I began dating the most wonderful man in the world.  I didn't know it was possible to be as happy as I am.  I'm not even entirely sure that I knew what love was before him.  I knew what I'd been told it should be like. But this... this love is a true, eternal love.  I feel completely at peace with him in my life.  I feel safe.  Free to be myself without any fear that it will have an adverse affect on his feelings for me.  Quite the contrary.  The more real I am, the more of my heart that I show him, the more he seems to love me.  

Each day that he is in my life, it improves it in ways I couldn't even begin to express.  I love you J Derek Burch.  With all my :heart:.  

Okay, I'll stop gushing now.  I still hope to (one day) get back on DA on a regular basis.  To get my photos and writings more organized and start being a contributing member once again.  But until then, I will always check in from time to time and I hope all of my DA friends have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!  

:hug:

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Back to Reality

3 min read
After being unemployed for a year and five months, I have now rejoined the work force.  :)  I must say that I am thankful to have a job, but I am going to miss the free time and the creativity that it allowed me.  I'll just have to MAKE time for certain things in my life. Ah, such is the art of growing up.  Can I say that I don't like it and I would like to know who in the world signed me up for it?  :)

But since I'm here, I may as well make the best of it.  I work for a medical equipment company and I am Accounts Payable.  Which means that people call me all day and ask for money.  :)  How a girl who doesn't even like math ends up dealing with numbers all day, I'll never know, but I'm good at it so it works.  Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?  No.  Not at all.  I love my co-workers, and I highly respect my boss (even tho she stresses me out).  But this isn't what I see myself doing forever.  

I'm saving up for so many projects and ideas.  The first one is (obviously) a new camera.  I miss taking photos like I used to and if I'm going to buy a camera, this time I'm going to buy a more professional grade one.  I'd also like handgun, a new computer, and an external hard-drive but that's a whole different story.  :)  I've also been considering moving.  I love my parents, but the time is defintely here for me to be on my own.  I'm 27, and I'm ready for freedom and to have my own space.  They've been great, but it really is time.  I'm not sure how or when that will happen, or even where I will go.  I just know that I'm ready and looking forward to the rest of my life.  Who knows, I may end up in a different city, state... or even country, one of these days in the future.  

So, until then, I will try to check in from time to time and maybe even post some new stuff.  :)  

One day at a time.... :heart:
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So many times, within the past year (or possibly two) I've tried to make my way back to the DA community, only to epically fail.  For a few days I'd get on here, and admire and comment the deviations of those I've chosen to watch.  And then, as if I had amnesia, it would all just slip from my mind and I'd find months slipping by before ever returning.  And of course, once you've been gone for months, you're bombarded with deviations and such.  I don't like feeling behind or rushed.  I love being able to comment and appreciate the work, not feel as if it's a task I must complete.  But I have no one to blame but myself.  

I am still completely overwhelmed with the amount of favorites I've received on my writing, "Scissorhands".  It's a bit unbelievable to me, but such are many things in life. :)

This time, I won't make any promises.  It seems the more I promise, the less I do.  So I will simply say that I really have missed DA.  I've missed sharing my art with other artists who don't always compliment me, but sometimes offer constructive criticism.  I even miss the anonymity that DA allows me.  I feel as if I know most of you, even if it's only by your user name, or conversations that we've had, but yet... there is an essence of privacy that is afforded to me here, that I can't seem to achieve anywhere else.  We're all from different parts of the country, some of us even from different parts of the world and I suppose that offers me a bit of comfort that what is going on in my world isn't a top priority in the lives of the DA members.  

I've always been a cautious person.  My first kiss was at nineteen.  My first date was at twenty.  My first kiss was at twenty-one.  My first relationship was at twenty-four.  And it was Hell on earth to experience.  But, as I'm sure most people can relate to in some way, shape or form... I'm confined to the terms in which I can speak about that relationship, at least within my circles.  Well, not here.  Here, no one knows my ex (ok, maybe Sam, but I doubt he cares).  Here, no one personally knows him, or personally knows me.  I don't feel forced to smile through clenched teeth and make up lies for him, much like I did in our relationship.  I don't have "friends" on here who have suddenly decided that he's an ok guy and they want to include him in their lives.  Here, you wonderful people only know me.  As much as anyone can know someone across a computer screen and through their art, you know me.  And you have supported and loved me, even when I was rarely ever here.  Even when I let someone drag me away from the things I loved because he thought my creativity was stupid and a waste of time.  

So what I'm trying to say is... thank you.  Here, I have a freedom that I don't have anywhere else.  Myspace, Facebook, and any other social networking site requires tact.  It's inevitable that his sister is on both of our personal sites.  It's inevitable that "friends" of mine insist on staying "friends" with him even though neither of them could stand each other while we were dating.  So then I have to be careful of what I say, what I post - for fear it might get back to him and start much unwanted drama in my life.  I'm tired of the filter.  I'm tired of the censorship on my feelings.  He was a worthless, lying, cheating, good-for-nothing, insecure, verbally and mentally abusive, selfish, inconsiderate bully and my life is much better for having walked away from him.  Sugarcoat it elsewhere, but here - you're on my turf.  He hurt me worse than anyone ever has in my life.  Beat me down to the bottom, where I lost all feeling of self-worth.  Betrayed me, broke me, used me, took from me, and enjoyed every motherflippin' minute of it.  All I was guilty of was giving too much.  Too much love, too much affection, too much money, too much time, and too many chances.  I fought for our relationship and that somehow made me the bad guy.  

But I didn't come here to unleash the dirty, nasty, gritty details of the Hell I went through for a year and seven months.  No.  I came here to find myself again.  Find the things I've always loved, that I allowed myself to forsake for someone who wasn't even worth my time.  But I am so much wiser, so much stronger, and so much better than I ever was before.  I don't thank him for that.  I thank God for that.  I think I'm quite possibly even more feisty than I was before.  ;)  

Believe it.  

I am happy to be back (*crosses fingers* hopefully for good) in the company of so many talented individuals.  :heart:
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