And no, not just because I never get on here anymore... which I am trying to correct at this point.

I am completely humbled by how many people have favorited "Scissorhands". It really means so much to me, especially at a time when I was beginning to be unsure if I mattered anymore. If I had a talent at all. A time when, well, times are tough inside this mind of mine.

So I love you all for that. And I thank you.


*Nikki*

So, I have been gone from this place for far too long, but seem to be having a hard time finding my way back. Life is filled with too many things that I wish it wasn't. Too many things that stifle my time, and my energy - sometimes even the ability to be creative. That pains me more than anything. But I am slowly fighting for that part of myself, trying my best to get it back.

I haven't taken photos for quite some time, at least not the way I used to. But, perhaps like writer's block, things like this will come and go. Back in January I cut my hair, quite short, and that caused quite a stir with the people in my world. Most of the reactions were good, some were bad, but mostly I didn't care since I did it for myself. Did it because I wanted to, because I felt it suited me, and also as an act of defiance to so many things. People had always defined me by my hair, now they will have to find something else. And the girl with the long hair.... the sensitive, falls-in-love-too-easily girl; I wanted to forget her for awhile. Wanted her to be gone. Replaced by this girl with shorter hair, and an even bigger attitude.

As always with my life I have loved and lost, and I suppose I do still argue on the side that it is better to do that than to have never loved at all. I speak of it so openly, because it really doesn't matter. Humiliation and rejection are things I have all faced recently and no one here really knows anything about my personal life or situation, so I feel comfortable with that knowledge. Eventually I hope to get back to posting writings, and photos.... though most of my photos recently have been of myself and I am not one to have a conceited gallery. We shall see. In the meantime, I have a lot of catching up to do and I hope everyone is well.

Forgive me if I still go for long bouts of time without stopping by. Life doesn't always allow me the luxuries that I wish it did, and I often become so consumed with so many other things.

With that being said, my final word of advice to any and all of you is to blast hte 80's music as loud as you can. It's good for the soul.

*Nikki*

Because you just might get it.

All I wanted.... all I needed was some time. Time to get away and figure out things with myself. I certainly didn't intend for everyone I hold dear to avoid me like the plague.

I know I can be moody. For crying out loud, I AM a redhead. And an Aries who was supposed to be a Pisces. So I do occasionally need some time to myself. But I still need my friends.

Unfortunately, people don't seem to realize that.

However, I must remember.... I am not allowing people to bring me down anymore. So I just have to keep on.

*Nikki*

There is nothing more dangerous in this world than a redhead who has regained her confidence in herself. Nothing. I feel better about myself than I have in a long time. My creativity is back (though, personally, I don't think it ever left), my attitude is back (don't think that really ever left either... hmm), and my confidence in me, as a person, is back. Now THAT.... I know that was gone for awhile. I had this obscene idea in my brain that simply because I am not a supermodel I am not worthy of existing. I have no idea how the hell it got there, but have no fear - it has been banished. Perfection is something I may never achieve, but I'm certainly not any less of a human for it. And besides - quite frankly - I'm gorgeous. My apologies if you do not agree.

Don't worry, I haven't become conceited, not in the least. Not my nature. But I have decided to believe the good things about myself instead of focusing on the bad. And one of the good things about being me, is that I have an abundance of creativity which I have held back for quite some time. Hopefully I can change that and continue to submit new work to DA.

So, look out world - because there is nothing more dangerous than a redhead who knows her capabilities.

Sometimes I run away.

Sometimes I simply shut down.

Sometimes I become so tired of being everyone's open book. The girl who is so in touch with her emotions that she bares each one with a raw passion so that others cling tight - longing for someone to express to them what it is they are feeling.

Sometimes I become tired of being this girl.

Sometimes I fear the loneliness in my heart that grows with each day.

Sometimes I embrace this same loneliness and feel I am much happier this way.

Sometimes I break.

Sometimes I believe my destiny is to be, ever and always - simply me.

Sometimes I run. Sometimes I shut down. Sometimes I retreat to the farthest corners of the world. Sometimes I lock my mind. Sometimes I encase my heart. Sometimes.... I am a recluse.

*Nikki*