But it's starting to feel like it.
So many things in my life are coming. Someday. So many ideas will be manifested. Someday. So many dreams will be achieved. Someday. I understand the art of procrastination, especially when it is related to things we don't want to do. But I seem to be a part of quite a bit of unwilling procrastination these days. It's not that I don't
want to do these things, it's that I simply can't find the time. I can't even make
the time. There is no extra time to be had, or to be created. I suppose I've been through this before. It's like the filling of a bucket. I will get so full of ideas, of creativity and things that I would like to do and achieve. Once it is nearly brimming, I simply MUST empty at least a portion of it. It always works out. I believe it to be divine intervention. Just when I'm at my highest level of frustration and my creative ideas are near to spilling over... time opens up itself. Worries seem to melt away, work seems to flow smoothly, and all the pieces seem to fall into place. I find no other explanation than that God senses my absolute need to follow in His footsteps and create.
He sees the novels written on my heart, the songs entwined within my soul, and the photos and drawings that dance at my fingertips. And He recognizes the imparted desire to create... things of beauty, things of mystery.
So perhaps what I am experiencing right now is not
involuntary procrastination, but rather... the learning of patience. The lesson that often those things we must wait for are the most pleasant, the most satisfying, and the most enjoyable once we finally attain them.
When I finally do write that novel that has been forming in my head (one of many) for years, it will be the right time. It will be the right moment, and it will come to fruition when it is meant to. When I finally take those photos that have been dancing around behind my eyelids at night, they will be even more than I had imagined them to be. When the melody flows from me for the songs that I ceaselessly write, it will be the melody of the soul, and I will know that is what it was always meant to be.
These thoughts are much more disjointed than I had intended them to be. Stealing a moment at work to try to convey my deepest frustrations and thoughts, especially regarding creativity (which is something so dear to me) is difficult. But, I am tired of being repressed by the timely constraints of everyday life. I am a rebel to conformity and I refuse to lose who I am in the hustle and bustle of reality.
In a sense, I am merely writing this to remind myself of the times I've felt this way before and how I've always clawed my way out of them and created art that I am quite proud of. This is only refining all my ideas, and will make it better when they do come to pass. Now, if only I had pom-poms I'd be like my own little cheerleader.
The thing I am most impatient for, and yet feel is most worth the wait, is to become Mrs. Jason Burch.
Even typing it gives me shivers of pleasure! What feels like my entire life, I've been waiting for love to come along. (And I say "what feels like my entire life" because, let's face it... I'm pretty sure I wasn't 2 months old and wondering where Mister Right was.... lol) Waiting for the day when I could trade in my last name for the last name of the man who is all my hopes, dreams, and desires wrapped in one. Soon.
Soon, that day will be a reality and after so many years of praying, I now understand why it took God so long to bring me my True. Perfection takes a long time to find.
So many new adventures await me. Await us
. So many days of creating, loving, and enjoying. I feel it underneath the surface. I feel the greatness and the wonder bubbling in my soul, and it will manifest itself in great ways. I have to believe this. I do
believe this. Everything I am, everything I have is grounded in faith - and I have faith that someday... (there's that word again) I will create things that will darkle in the eyes of those who see it, branding a vision into their minds. And I hope that from that will stem their own vision, their own creativity. Because as the wonderful Maya Angelou says, "You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have."
This is why I still come to DeviantArt. This is why I admire and challenge myself by viewing the art of others. You ALL inspire me and motivate me to do more, and be better. Some of you make me jealous, but it's all good.
So until someday.... keep creating!
P.S. I'm also quite excited about changing my eating habits and having lost 10 1/2lbs!
Being healthy is much more important to me than it once was. And for that I'm thankful.